Dad promised to stay, but he left. Ryan promised to stay, but he left too. I guess i am scared that Dean will leave too, so i shoo'ed him away before he could leave me, because then i can have more time to deal with the emptiness of his presence. The hollow in my heart. No... my life. Because he has been there for the last couple of amazing months. From day to day.
I don't believe that time can heal you. I believe that time teaches you how to go on with sorrow. Because thats what time has done to me in the past; went forward even if i missed my Dad so much. Even if i suffered from the empty space he handed to me in a sudden, without a single friggin clue. One day he gave me a piggy back ride, the next day he was gone. Without goodbyes, without i love yous, without i'm sorrys, without i will miss yous. Even if i hated Ryan for what he did to me, i went on. I didn't think i could, but time gave me an opportunity. It took weeks, even months to realize that i couldn't stay behind with the memories. I needed time. And that's why i scooted Dean away earlier, before he even had a slight chance to think about leaving me. Because the earlier it happens, the more time i have to get up. I may sound selfish, but it was the most logical thing to do.
I'm scared. The moment i said the sentence that made our relationship gone into dust, i have been scared. I am now back to the phase where i hate myself and i hate my life. And i hate everything. And i am blaming myself for being so stupid because i let go the only thing that is worth having in my life. I am starting to think that it wasn't Dad's or Ryan's fault, it was mine. Maybe i was too ignorant to realize that i was the reason why they left. Because everyone that mattered to me eventually left. And i know that i cant get through it alone, but i don't have any Dean anymore who would listen to me with his understanding dark eyes that absorb my sadness. Who would embrace me with his protective arm that never fails to make me feel like i am protected and perfectly safe. Who would stroke my hair and tell me that everything is going to be okay and he is there for me, and he always will be.
I remember being happy with him. Being so happy that i wouldn't trade it for the world. He was there filling the hollow my Dad left for me. The space i have been emptying since the day Dad left me. He was there being my Mom, stroking my hair, making me soup when i was sick, worried-sick about me when i couldn't be reached by phone. When all my real mom did was passing out and throwing up because she had too much drink the night before. He was there being my best friend, helping me with homework, working out with me, laughing with me, and we even did some hot-gossip sessions. He was being my boyfriend, the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. He accepted me the way i was, and never ever try to change a single thing about me.
But then couple of days ago happened.
I was leaning my head over his broad shoulders on the bus rides home after school. He was wearing the shirt i had bought for him. He knew i liked it when he wore that. He was stroking my arm idly, and i began sleepy. So i dozed off.
Suddenly i felt a hand rubbing my arm quickly, "Hey, wake up you sleepyhead." And then he grabbed my hand and lead me to get off the bus. I was still half conscious back then. He held my hand, and we walked to my house. I'm starting to wake up fully. And then 5 minutes passed, we turned left, and then right, and we arrived at my house. But it was all usual. He always hold my hand, he always walk me to my house. But something unusual happened afterward.
Right before i went to look for my key inside my tote, he grabbed my hands and looked me straight in the eye. I was melted by the way he looked at me. I wasn't stupid. I knew that kind of look wasn't free for anybody, that was the kind of look you throw on to someone special.
He then suddenly put a necklace on my right palm. I was confused, but at the same time overwhelmed by happiness.
"Did you win a lottery or something? Or are you amnesia? My birthday was 3 months ago, Dee." I said smiling, big time. I couldn't help it.
He smiled back, still holding my hands with his. "No. I was just passing this store and i saw it. I thought it would look good on you." He seemed a little shy. Oh God, he looked so cute. He looked like a puppy from the shelter that you just couldn't leave without bringing him home. Then his smile got wider. "Can i...?" He said shyly while touching the necklace.
After he put the necklace around my neck, it was the first time i really paid attention to it. The pendant was a light wood craved into a D and the rope was plain black. It was simple, but meaningful. It wasn't gold or anything, but it was beautiful. And i mean it.
"Thank you. Its beautiful."
"Your welcome." He said, while stroking his neck like it was itchy.
"Think about it as a promise. A promise i am making to you."
I didn't respond right away, i wanted him to continue. "I want you to know that i will always be there for you, through your ups and your down. How do i make this not to sound too cheesy?" He grinned, "screw it. I know people say this thing a lot like it doesn't have any meaning, but it does for me. So when i say i care about you and i want to be the one who wipe your tears away, i want you to know that i mean it. I don't want you to go through horrible phases like the first time i met you again, but i know its inevitable. So here i am, promising you that when your world is crumbling down, i will be here and help you get up to your feet. I may not be perfect. But i am trying to be one. For you. Do you believe me, Day?"
I didn't know what to say. So instead, i was just smiling half-heartedly.
Do i believe him?
Should i believe him?
It was unexpected and overwhelming - both in good and bad ways. I was afraid. Well, i am afraid. As what i have said; i've always been. I wanted to believe him, i really did, but i couldn't. Something inside of me just keep pushing him away.
I was just starting to build up my life again after all that happened, and giving my heart and trust onto something would only give them the ability to crush my life into pieces. Again. And I'm so tired of breaking, of being so vulnerable. I am so tired of getting up and start all over again.
I have this thing with promises. I used to believe in them. Let myself to lean on them. Not depend on it, but something i rely on. But how can i trust them, when they have always been broken in the past? How can i let myself believe in it without being completely fooled?
But all the doubts aside.... there's a question i have been really scared to think about. And scared to know the answer.
Besides all the craziness that is going around my mind,
if he was honest, and meant his promise,
do i deserve him?
sorry for the late post :) i know that its been almost a month teehee but a lot has been going on. see you in the next part, probably next week??! who knows. x
do i deserve him?