Today is officially 2 weeks since the last time i saw her. Two weeks of trying not to smash the lamp on my bedside out of frustration, 2 weeks of trying not to look at the wallpaper on my computer. I just couldn't change it. She was effortlessly beautiful in the picture, her eyes looked straight to the camera reflecting the pure smile she was wearing. The photo used to give me happiness that bursted out too easily every time i peeked a glance to the screen. The last time i saw her was in English class, but we didn't even talk. She didn't sit next to me the way she usually does, and she successfully ignored my stares. She didn't even look at me when i tried to walk next to her in the hallway. She just made her steps even bigger and went out of sight. And then i didn't see her again until today, or maybe couldn't. She didn't come to the classes we both took. My assumption is that she moved her classes to another schedule or day.
I miss her so bad i couldn't even concentrate on my classes lately. Tonight is a pretty lonely night, i think, as i grab my guitar and play some random chords. The last few days i have been trying to block out my mind and block out my brain. I really dont want to think or feel. Because all they caused me was an overwhelming loneliness. And that loneliness consists of "missing her" and "loving her but not loved back" and "i don't freaking know what to do" and maybes, ifs, shoulds and must bes. I went to bars, even did a karaoke with some drunken boys from school, but even the psychedelia feelings the boozes gave me didn't take her out of my brain.
I miss the way she smiles at me, the way she stares at me like i am the only one that she cares about. Well at least i thought i was. I couldn't believe i could be trapped in those eyes and smiles. The way she laughs at my jokes, the way she cares about my problems. The way she disgustingly bites the tip of her straw, the way she eats every bit of her food. The way she's mad at me when i ignore her, the way she was annoyed by me because i accidentally broke her lipstick. The way she lets her straight hair loose without curling it or coloring it. The way she laughs while reading her novels or watching funny videos on youtube. The last few months she has been more open to me, more easy to laugh and be laughed at. And to love and to be loved.
I throw my guitar away and take a sip of my cigar. The opened window let the smokes fly away to the black starless sky. The sound of cars engines roam from outside. Its Saturday Night, time to have some fun outside. But i'm here instead, mourning about my past and wondering about my future. So this is what broken hearted feels like. Sitting in your room at 9 pm on Saturday night, considering whether to get high or to stay sober; to blabber about the pain loudly or to deal with it quietly.
I throw my cigar away to the little trash bin in the corner, "Come in"
The door opens and it shows a girl with curly hair, wearing a yellow cotton pyjamas with a worry in her face.
"Have you been smoking?" She says as she goes in and sits next to me, leaning her back to the end of the bed.
I hesitate. "Yeah, just one, though"
She shoots me a look, so i add, "I swear!"
"Why are you smoking again? I thought you stopped."
"Since when did i let you to meddle on my business?"
I didn't mean to be that harsh, i was just so messed up that i was easily annoyed by the way she talked to me. Like i was her child and she was the one who knew everything. Of course she didn't mean to give me that impression too. She is my little girl after all. She is the kind of sister all brothers would want to have. She is a best friend, sometimes a mom. Sometimes a clown, sometimes a teacher. I told her almost everything, after all my guys friends are the type of people you want to have fun with, not suffer with.
Maybe my mind was too messed up lately that i forgot that i have her, that i have someone to share something with. Maybe im not really alone, after all.
"Its been such a stressful month." I say finally, after a pretty long awkward silentness, "sorry, i didn't mean it that way."
"Its okay. I noticed."
I was amused by her grown up attitude that i almost laugh. "You did?"
"Yeah, you didn't come to my room just to make it messy. You didn't even eat the cake i gave you!" She said while pointing at the nicely frosted cupcake that I put carelessly on the desk next to the door.
"Im sorry, wasn't really in the mood of desserts."
"Yeah, 'course, you smoke instead."
Suddenly i feel guilty. She tried to cheer me up with the cupcake, but instead i just kept being angry and sad about the one who doesn't care about me and forgot the one who does. So i take the cupcake, rip the box off and start eating it.
"So tell me." She says, as im chewing the last bit of the cupcake.
"What's bugging you."
"Dave." I said. Dave is her current boyfriend, a little fashionista if you ask me. Whats with his collared white shirt... Yet sleeveless.. And his butterfly black shiny tie that looks like its polished every day. His shiny neon green oxford shoes and his soft pink skinny jeans. I dont know what Jen saw in him, his money is my best idea so far.
"No he is not..." She says hesitantly. I shrugged and then reply, "i thought you knew me. I am definitely straight."
"Well.... You haven't gone out of house to have a date with Dee." She says. I didn't know she payed attention to me that close, but i am showered by happiness and guilt. Happy because i am glad i have her, and guilt because i haven't been such a good brother over the last few weeks. So i give her my most sincere smile since i have lost Daisy. I reach out to mess with her hair, but i couldn't resist the urge to give her a big bear brotherly hug. So i hug her, enjoying the struggle she makes in-between my arms to get out of my embrace.
"You are weird." She says when i finally let her go, "Cmoooon, spill to me!"
The heat of happiness that came out from the hug is now gone. I am back on being miserable. With her now, sitting with her legs crossed, looking at me with care, worry and questions. I can't stand not to cry, the tears i have been holding. I have told myself that i am better off without Daisy, but then here i am sitting with a person who i know won't leave me alone with my problems. So i light up one cigarette and start to sip it.
"Im sorry. Need it." I say.
"Its ok," she looks understanding now, "that hard, huh?"
I dont say anything for i think 2 minutes, just to prepare my mind to say it out loud for the first time.
"She is gone."
I sip my cigarette again, hoping the smoke would at least make the tears that welled up in my eyes covered up.
"She is gone," i repeat, "and i am the only one who lost."
"What.... What do you mean by gone?" She is terrified, because she loves her too, Daisy is the sister she never had. "Where is she?"
"She is still here. In this town." The horror look has gone a little bit from her face.
"She broke up with me. With no reason. She just left me, without explanations. Without even a proper goodbye! It was like we never happened."
I stop smoking, because i am starting to hyperventilate. Its been weeks since we broke up, but this is the first time i have said it out loud. And all the pain comes rushing back, repeating the day at the cafe over and over again. It feels like cutting your leg with a knife, difference is its your heart and your brain. You are emotionally hurt and broken, physically drained.
I don't want to feel even the tiniest bit of calm when i see Lyla's shocked and sad expressions, but i can't help it. At least now i know i am not alone.
"But.. Why... How... How could she... No... The hell?"
There is a good five minutes of silence until she finally breaks through.
"Have you tried to talk to her?"
"She doesn't even look at me in the hallway."
I shoot her a look. And then she continues, "Follow her, bug her until she is annoyed, so that she wants
to finally talk to you?"
"You don't understand, Lils. There was something between her words that told me it was final. No chance for us. No explanations for me. Asking for them would be like hoping the stars would still be bright in the middle of the day. Its too much and impossible."
"It/s worth a shot. It still is. Just go and talk to her. Please? For you and for me. Would you rather ask for the impossible now and get hurt which i'm sure you'll get over with, or go ahead without trying and the regret will hunt you down until the end of your life?"
She is exaggerating it of course, but somehow i know she is saying the truth. I should do something. I cant just go on without at least try. So i say, "I'll try."
"Good," she smiles, "do you want me to go with you?"
As much as i do, i don't want Daisy to talk to me only because she doesn't want to disappoint Lyla.
I finally decided to go to her house the next day, because i didn't catch even her glimpse at school today.
I get off her bus stop, and walk slowly to her house. The route i have remembered for quite a while now. I still can remember what we usually did when i walked her to her house. We would tell each other stories about weird things that happened at school, it was like we didn't have enough time to tell them all. Sometimes we sing along to her favorite band, or argue about which one is better, her favorite or mine. Sometimes we just walk, off in our own bubble, but somehow happy with each other's company.
A couple of yards before her house, i slow down my pace. I take a deep breath and prepare myself. Its worth a shot, right? At least today i am going to make it clear whether we still have a chance or not. At
least i wont be left hanging with her biased decision.
Three steps more.
Here i am. I close my eyes and knock.
Nothing happens. I knock again.
Is she home? Maybe she went out, i think. But i realized it was just my excuse to stop trying. What a loser i am. So i knock again, and nothing happens.
I decide to open the door, i remember her telling me she never lock the door when she is home. And it opens.
The house is empty, but somehow i know she is there. So i shout.
I step inside, something smells wrong. I sniff my shirt, it smells okay. I am calling her name, but nothing answers. Not even a breath. I start to feel there is something wrong. Forget to lock the door is not something she would have done. She even sometimes lock her bathroom.
I go to the kitchen and find dirty dishes piling up on the sink. Oh dear Daisy, where is the old you? I know her mom does this, throwing things and leave them unclean, but she has always been the one who cleans up the mess.
The house was small, just as precise as i remembered. I used to come here a lot, since her mom had never been home before midnight. I would help her clean up the dishes, broken booze bottles, her mom's dirty laundries, even sometimes we bake a cake and eat it while watching movies.
I know she wouldn't be in her mom's room because she said she couldn't stand the thick smells of the liquor, so i go to her room right away. I knock first, i don't want to be rude and make things even worse by trespassing. I knock three times already, still nothing. I don't know what gotten into me, but i decided to step in.
I don't know what i saw first, the feet or the head. The hanging feet i guess. And then the face. And then the broken vase on the floor. But all i know is now i am crying, calling her name. Trying to get her down from the rope. I am screaming, screaming the hell out of my lungs. I don't know how to breathe. I don't even ask "why has she done this" because all i am thinking is that i have lost her for good. Forever. I hug her cold body, screaming and crying, touching her dry hair, crying more, screaming for help, throwing things around. I look at the rope that hangs from the ceiling, and scream at it. "I FUCKING HATE YOU!" And i don't know why i hate the rope. Whatever. It took her life. It took her from me! Her body is already rigid, i hug her tighter, trying to warm her with the heat of my body. She smells, but i don't care. I am hugging her. Tighter and tighter. I scream help but i cant even make out the words through the pain. Shit! Shit! Shit! I could have got here earlier, skip school, or fasten my pace. Fuck! She is gone and this is because me. I am late for her when she needs me most. I hug her even tighter, even when it is not possible. My tears on her beautiful dead white face. And i wipe my tears that dropped on her face because i feel like a dirt and i want her to be perfect the way she is. I can't even see her because seeing her only reminds me that this is all my mistake. So i put her on the bed and cover her with blanket. I think i am losing my mind. I go to the bathroom and wet a towel, come back to her and wash her up. She needs to be perfect. She can't touch me, i am shit. I look at the rope and that second i know what i need to do. I am now gripping the rope so tight, almost put my head to the hole when suddenly people are rushing in and pulling me away from that bloody thing. They start to understand what is happening. I try to reach the rope again but somebody is gripping my hands tight. I am screaming FUCK YOU LET ME DO THIS YOU DONT UNDERSTAND hundreds times and they still wont let me. So i try to smash my head to the wall and more people start to guard me. I see someone on the phone, and people are now surrounding Daisy. I try to find something sharp around me but nothing is useful. I am kicking, screaming, crying, being angry as angry as i could be. I just dont want to live this life without her. I dont want to live with pain, emptiness and guilt. Its all my fault. MY FAULT! let me kill myself! I say. And then people are throwing me out of the house, i hear ambulance. Some woman injects something to me, and i am out.
alright so the original plan was to make Daisy divided into three parts. But it seems like it will be too long, so i guess i'll see you next time for the final part! explanations of WHYS will be provided lol. she dont die for nothin. love yous :) thank you for the supports!
i am hoping to get feedbacks from you, you can click this link >askfm< and give me some. means a loooot. oh and you can probably tell me what i should write next? give me a couple of sentences to start my story. thankyouuu xx