I dont know if you are gonna read this or not, i don't know if you will somehow come to my house and find me this way. Or maybe my mother will find me. All i hope is that somehow you know me too well that you will find this letter slipped between our favorite book. I don't know whether you will read it, all i know is this is my only chance to clear everything out. So if you are, i just want to tell you that i am sorry. Sorry for being selfish and for leaving you so suddenly. For leaving you with so many questions unanswered.
By the time you are reading this, i know i would no longer be there. I don't know if mother would clean up my room or leave it the way i leave it. And i dont know if my smell is already gone, but i hope your smell on my blanket stays. Because thats the only smell that always reminds me of home.
I thought about you a lot after the "break up". I cared about you and i will always do. With this letter, i just want to tell you that everything that happened was not your fault. It was mine, and my past that couldn't stop overshadowing me. It was beautiful with you, you were like the clouds that covered the sun. Breezy, easy. Saving me from my own shadow. But then there were times when i was alone, and the sun came up and my shadow showed up again. It felt sickening, like being burnt up by something you couldn't get rid of. I needed you, but i didn't think my existence was needed by the clouds. That beautifully danced in the blue skies. Didn't even need an umbrella to hide from the burning sun. That didn't have shadows. Only fellow clouds joined in the fun, dancing together, happy to make people covered up.
And needing you, and being useless at the same time actually killed me more. I should have known you were better off without me. There are so many other path the clouds needed tosave than only one. And the cloud couldn't stay at the same place forever, it shouldn't. The wind would push you away from me someday, and i was so selfish to push you away before the wind did, because i honestly couldn't take another good bye.
There is a lot of me that is buried deeply. So deep that days of digging would still go in vain. And i thank you for silently understanding me, and not trying to dig it. But i couldn't stand lying to you. It felt terrible.
I don't deserve you and i would never. You deserve someone better.
I am going to confess something to you. Probably too late, but i don't want to make you feel horrible about yourself and about us. So here it goes.
My mom has been having her liquor addiction since 4 years ago, and since then she was always such a drunken mad woman, day and night. So she was fired atau got sacked from her job 3 years ago. She didn't know how to survive, i was 15 back then. I wasn't really innocent, since my mom always brought her party friends home and got high almost everyday in our living room. I would just sit in my room, trying to sleep with a wrecked doll my dad once gave me. I didn't go to school. All i did was stay at home, and eat food from the refrigerator. My mom would sometimes shout at me when she was sober enough to realize that her food were eaten. I mean, how could i survive? She never even saved me some leftover. I sometimes cry in my bedroom, hanging on my rope of hunger. One day when she was out, i went wondering around the block and found a little library. Since then i always come there and study. Its a long story to tell, about how i got into high school. But thats not even the main point.
So, in the middle of money crisis, because my mom wasn't working anymore, and her drinking habit was getting even more crazy, we didn't have any money left. She would just stay home; shouting and abusing me. Telling me it was all my fault that we ran out of money.
After days of locking my self up on my bedroom because i was so afraid of her, she talked me out of my room saying she got some money and would buy me food from the restaurant. I was so happy back then, i thought i had my mom back. I happily went out with her, not knowing that she was bringing me to some man who paid her to use me. I was basically a prostitute. I was so frightened, i couldn't fight back. I cried the whole night, i didnt know what was exactly happening. It was so scary and traumatic. I remember the man. He was bald, in his middle 20s. He was nice at first, and then he was my nightmare until now. Since then, my childhood was officially gone. Not that i ever had one.
My mom looked so happy, having money without even doing a single thing. Every night she would drive me to different houses, and pick me up the following morning.
One day i was so tired, so sick, so sad, so depressed with my current life that i had a strength to fight back. I locked myself up. I had plan a runaway, even if i didnt know exactly where to go. I already packed my bag and ready to go out through the window when she broke my door and started pulling my hair. It was painful. I cried and begged her to let me go, saying that i didn't want to live this way. She stopped after awhile, i thought i already won. But no, it got even worse. She threw me to the car and drove away. Miles and miles. Until we finally arrived at a house. I was prepared to runaway again, i didn't want to do it again. Not that night. Not anymore. But then a young man came up from the house, probably in his 19 or 20. He greeted me with a smile, and my mom left me there without a word. His name was Ryan and i lived with him for 2 months, even fell for him little bit. We had a couple of romantic dinners, he even flirted with me. But i didn't want to get to any physical interaction, it was all traumatic for me. I was scared to death of physical stuffs. He didn't even push me, so i was grateful. I thought he was my lifesaver. I would have gave him anything to pay him back. Until he told me that someone has already booked me for 3 months in a row. At first, i didn't understand. Until i figured out that he actually had put camera in my bathroom, to put those photos on internet and sell me. He was actually a prostitution dealer. I was hurt, i thought he was a way out. I couldn't run from him, he was watching me intensely. So i was sold again after two months.
Long story short, i was able to runaway from that cursed house. I didn't know where to go, the only one i trusted was actually evil too. So i came back here, to my mom's house. I was 16, but a lot more grown up than any other 16. By then, my mom already had money from a new dirty business she was running with her drunk friends. And the money was quite a lot. She saw me and shocked. But she didn't care, she didn't need me anymore. So since then i lived with her again, got scholarship with a really hard work, and have been stealing her food supplies from the refrigerator until today. I guess she is now rich enough not to care about how much food i take.
Thats what my shadow is. A black and white, with drop of tears and untouched by laughters. Its all good. I met you. After 18 years of life, i finally know what happiness feels like. With you wasnt like with my dad, you were more real, more vivid, less vague.
Thank you, Dean.
For showing me happiness. For everything. For loving me. For accepting me. For leaving your smells on my blankets. For holding my hands through the sidewalks. For covering my head through the fallen raindrops.
It all was not your fault, okay?
If anything, you are my lifesaver. The only reason to stay breathing.
I love you, D.
wow, 3 parts and 300 page views! thats awesome hehe thank you. here is the part 4 and i know.. i know it took so long. a lot has been happening in my life. and actually, this part has been done since November, i was just too distracted to post it.
so many many thanks to Farisa Machmud who helped me editing my bad grammar!
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